If you aren’t up to date, or need a refresher, read blogs 1, 2, 3, 4.

Richard responds – in a way

When we received confirmation that our letter had been delivered to Richard, we anxiously awaited his response. We knew that it could take him some time to process his feelings and how connecting with us would impact his family. But he seemed so wonderful – we were certain that he would have an open mind and be willing to answer our questions.

We didn’t have to wait long; an email arrived the very day that the letter was delivered. But the response we got wasn’t from Richard himself. Instead, the response was from a woman named Karen:

My name is Karen, and I am the mother of two daughters conceived at a fertility clinic in Berkeley, California.  My brother, Richard, forwarded me your letter. Jenny, the cousin that you found on Ancestry.com, is my oldest daughter, and I have another daughter named Julia. They were both conceived using the same donor, first Jenny in 1981, and then Julia in 1986. I’m sorry to tell you that my brother, Richard, was never a sperm donor, but we are excited to know of our connection. I have forwarded your letter to my daughters, and I know they will be happy to hear that they have new cousins. Please keep in touch – I have often wondered myself about the wonderful man who gave me such amazing women. I truly hope you can locate your donor someday.

My first reaction was to be completely and utterly confused. There must be some mistake – we were so sure that Richard was the one. If Jenny was our cousin, then her only uncle had to be our donor. It was simple genetics. Besides that, Richard fit the profile to a T. What was going on?

I called Tim right away. “Hey,” he greeted me. He sounded utterly dejected. I had never heard so much pain and disappointment in his voice before. In just one word I could hear that he was feeling completely destroyed.

My immediate reaction was to have a brainstorming session. We had to figure this out. Something was not right – how could we have possibly gotten it wrong? It made no sense! The answer was out there, we just had to go back and find what we’d missed. But I could sense that Tim was just DONE. He was defeated. He’d been so certain that he’d finally found the donor, and I’m sure he’d been proud to be able to share that with us. Now he felt that we were back at square one.

Even though Tim seemed incredibly frustrated, I knew that getting to to the bottom of this would ultimately help him. The two of us are alike, and we don’t do well in the dark. We needed to find answers. I started to throw out different ideas and try to connect the dots. If Jenny and Julia were our cousins, that would mean that their donor and our donor were brothers. It seemed a huge stretch to think that two brothers were donating sperm at the same time and that we’d connected via Ancestry.com as a result. That was just too weird – and my story is weird enough. Something about that scenario just didn’t feel right.

Unraveling the results

Tim went back to Ancestry.com to look for more information. We must have missed something; I could feel it in my gut. I remember that a friend of mine who I had met in a donor conceived support group mentioned at one point that Ancestry shows centimorgans, which is the term for the units that measure genetic linkage (abbreviated as cM). The higher the number of centimorgans, the closer relative is. A parent, for example, will share an average of 3,471 cM with their child, whereas first cousins will only share an average of 869 cM and a half sibling ranges from 1320-2134cM. The centimorgans go up or down depending on how closely related the individuals are.

I had a feeling that the centimorgans could give us more information. “Tim,” I asked him, “What was the centimorgan count between you and Jenny?” He was quiet for a moment. “I don’t know,” he replied. “The site didn’t tell me. It just said that Jenny was a first cousin.” Because my friend had also used Ancestry, I knew that the information was there – we just might have to dig for it. Tim started clicking around the site, trying find out how to display the specific centimorgans that he and Jenny shared.

While we were on the call, Loren called Tim. He had just received Karen’s email and was as shocked as we were. We decided to conference him in for a group call so that we would fill him in. As long as we were all on the line together, we decided to have a little phone party and each poured ourselves a drink. Gin and tonic for me, whiskey for Loren, and cold beer for Tim.

We sipped our drinks and talked about how crazy this whole situation was while Tim continued to scour the site in search of centimorgans. I was reminded of how special my brothers were to me. I didn’t have to go through this alone. We were all in this together – and could even find ways to have fun.

“Found it!” Tim declared. Loren and I grew silent. “Ok, Jenny and I share 1,804 cM, and according to this chart…” he paused. “Holy crap you guys. Jenny’s not our cousin – she’s our sister!” I practically spit out my drink. Another sister? Two more sisters, actually – Jenny and Julia! I couldn’t believe it. There was a moment of shocked silence. Then Loren shouted, “Mazel Tov!” We all cracked up. That was just what we needed to lighten the mood.

“But Tim,” I asked, “how could we have missed the centimorgan count? Why would Ancestry tell us that Jenny is our cousin if she’s actually our half sister?” We realized that, although Ancestry and 23andMe are similar, there are some very significant differences to their platforms. 23andMe labels relatives based on the most likely relationship given the centimorgan count. They don’t beat around the bush. Ancestry, on the other hand, labels almost all of your close relatives who aren’t obviously a parent as “Close family/1st Cousins.” I find this to be confusing and a bit deceiving. If someone isn’t familiar with the site, or with genetics in general, it would be easy to misunderstand the actual results. By labeling Jenny as a 1st cousin instead of a half sister, we were sent down the wrong path that led us to Richard. He wasn’t our donor after all.

Now that we had figured out how to cross reference the centimorgan count with a chart that estimates the actual relationship, Tim started reviewing other relatives he’d been matched with on the site. There was another person with a cM count of 1880. A brother this time, John. Mazel Tov! He clicked on another match named Mary with a count of 1,917 cM. Another sister! Mazel Tov! We were all lifting our drinks to each other over the phone, smiling and laughing. At the beginning of this phone call, we’d been confused and defeated. Now we had four new siblings and a greater understanding of how to move forward.

We stayed on the line for a long time, talking about how we felt about this turn of events. Tim admitted that he felt extremely guilty, as though not locating the donor was his fault. He felt like he’d gotten our hopes up, only to realize that a small mistake had led us to the wrong man. Loren and I insisted that he had nothing to feel guilty about. This was a new experience for all of us, and we learn something new each step of the way. We aren’t going to get things right 100% of the time. Despite our best efforts, I think that even today Tim still carries some guilt for allowing us to believe, even for a short time, that Richard was the donor. I hope that, with time, he will learn to let that guilt go and forgive himself. On our end, there is nothing to forgive.

Before we hung up, we reflected on what a roller coaster of an experience this has been for all of us. We all felt overwhelmed by the discovery of four more siblings. I ended the call after telling my brothers that I loved them. It was late and the house was quiet. I allowed my thoughts to drift to Richard, and I felt an intense wave of emotion and disappointment. I had been so sure that he was the one. For a brief period, I’d been at peace with the knowledge that the donor was a good man who I could feel proud to be related to. And now that was all gone. The donor could be anyone.

My emotions spilled over and I started bawling. My husband came to me and wrapped his arms around me. He didn’t ask any questions – he just let me cry and cry into the night. I was heartbroken for all of us. The peace and closure we’d experienced had felt so damn good. And now just like that, we were back on a long road with no answers, and no end in sight.

Meeting my sister Andrea

After months of phone conversations and emails with our sister Andrea, she was finally able to arrange for a trip from Louisiana to California to meet us. She didn’t know anything about Richard or our new siblings, and we decided that it would be best to tell her in person.

Andrea planned to come with her mother, who was extremely excited to meet all of us. We arranged for Tim to come up to my house from Southern California with his family so that we could meet her together. Unfortunately, Loren already had a trip planned for that weekend, but he arranged to have lunch with her the day before. I was so excited to have both Tim and Andrea in my home at the same time. It was also the perfect opportunity to have a party and introduce my family and friends to my new siblings.

I was excited to meet Andrea, and to be honest, more than a little nervous. I felt twinges of the same nerves that I’d experienced before meeting Tim and Loren, but this time it was a bit different. Tim, Loren, and I are extremely similar. We have similar values, lifestyles, politics, and passions. We all have young children who don’t really think too deeply about how we are related – they just know they have new cousins, aunts, and uncles to play with. Through our conversations and online interactions, I knew that Andrea has lived a very different life. She married young and has two teenagers. We disagree on some fundamental issues that we both feel passionately about, although in our interactions, we’ve always kept things light and respectful. I was a little afraid that these differences would be more pronounced when we were face to face. I really, really wanted my sister and I to like each other.

By the time the day came that Andrea and her mother were set to arrive, I was feeling more excited and less nervous. I paced around my living room, glancing out the window every few minutes, watching for her car. She was right on time, and I shouted to my husband and kids, “She’s here!” Of course, at that exact moment my son Jack decided to throw a tantrum. I had been hoping for the perfect first meeting, and now I had a screaming kid on my hands. I begged him to go back to being the happy kid he is 90% of the time, and I think I even bribed him with a piece of candy. Don’t judge me, I was desperate! He settled and I composed myself. As soon as I opened the door, a huge smile hit my face. There she was, in the flesh – my sister, Andrea. We hugged for the longest time, and there were tears in her eyes. Seeing her mother witness our meeting was also an amazing experience. She kept looking back and forth between us, pointing out similarities. It must be an odd experience for a parent to see their child’s features etched on the face of a stranger.

As soon as we finished greeting each other, my daughter quickly grabbed Andrea’s hand and led her to the playroom where she proceeded to show her all her toys. The kids couldn’t get enough of her, and I felt like I had to fight to get a word in! It was so special to see Andrea and her mom interact with my kids. They loved their new aunt already.

After some playtime, we had a friend come over to watch the kids so that we could get some adult time in. My husband, Andrea, her mom, my mama Shirley, and I went wine tasting for a while. Shirley is the wonderful woman who has taken me in as her daughter, and I knew I needed her by my side on this important day. While wine tasting, we were able to catch our breath and relax without the kids. Tim would be arriving with his brood later that afternoon, so we knew that our day would be jam packed. The conversation flowed easily. When I first found out about Andrea months before, I’d been nervous about how she would take the news that she had three half-siblings. Now, she was standing right in front of me, embracing this new life with a bright smile on her face.

Later that day when Tim arrived, it was extremely special for me to witness their first meeting. It was also a little surreal. When I found Tim and Loren, I was the new one to the family. Now I was on the other side, welcoming Andrea to our unconventional little clan.

The weekend flew by and was filled with great talks, lots of laughter, and delicious meals cooked by the chef of the family, Tim’s wife Liz. I invited my friends and family over for a potluck so that I could introduce them to my siblings. It was a huge step for me to bring both worlds together. The cousins had the best time playing together, as always, and my heart felt so full to have all of us under the same roof. Loren and his family were missed, but I was grateful that he also was able to meet Andrea during her trip.

I wanted to be the one to tell Andrea about the situation with Richard, and how finding Jenny led us to a total of four more siblings. Her eyes grew wide, but she took the news in stride – I think that we’ve all had that internal voice as donor conceived children that there are going to be more siblings out there. It was a special moment shared between the two of us and a glass of wine.

The visit was a success, and we were sad to say goodbye on that last day. At the same time, it felt like another piece of the puzzle had fallen into place. Even though I have been living this reality for several months, it still blows my mind that because of technology, I have met three siblings that I never knew I had. We all started out at the same place – a little fertility clinic in Berkeley, California. We grew up with different parents in different places, and life has taken us in different directions. And yet somehow, when we are together, it feels like home.

Taking a breather

Being donor conceived comes with a lot of baggage. Some of it is good, some of it is great, and some of it just sucks. I could choose to close myself off to future experiences and cocoon myself away, content with my own little family, but that is not me. I choose to explore, to learn, to laugh, and to cry. But I am also human, and after finding Richard, dealing with the disappointment of being wrong, and finding another four siblings (my total is now SEVEN), I was exhausted and so were my brothers. “I’m tired, you guys,” I told them. “So tired.”

We chose not to contact our new siblings right away, and to take a break from the genealogy sites. We needed some time to heal and think about how we were going to move forward. Our 23andMe and Ancestry accounts sat idle for a month while we focused on ourselves and our families. Little did Tim know when he logged out of Ancestry that day, -clue that would ultimately lead us to the donor had been sitting there all along.

Spoiler alert: We found him.

You can find post 6 of my story HERE.

Make sure you don’t miss the next update by subscribing to this blog! This was written in collaboration with Annika Campos. Some names have been changed for privacy reasons.