Thank you for reading my story! If you are starting from the beginning or need a refresher, you can read blogs 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.

The Missing Link

A month went by, and during that time my brothers and I collectively took a break from all things related to genealogy and the donor. It was a much needed emotional rest after our disappointment over Richard not being the donor. But at the end of that month, I was itching to get back to our search for answers. I felt that the most important place to get started was on Ancestry.com. I hadn’t spent much time on the site, and I knew that there was a lot more information that we had yet to uncover.

I hadn’t yet sent my DNA to Ancestry, and so instead of waiting, I asked Tim to share his login information with me. As soon as he replied back, I dove in and spent every spare moment I had looking through his matches. After our new siblings, the closest match based on shared centimorgans was a female relative identified only as “GV.” Ancestry suggested that GV could be a first or second cousin. I knew by now that I could not rely on that classification, and so I decided to do my own research. One great thing about Ancestry is that it has a huge database filled with birth, marriage, and death certificates, as well as news articles and military records. If you have some basic information, it doesn’t take long to figure out who is related to who, and how they are related.

I clicked on GV’s name to see if there was any information that could point me in the right direction. The first thing that stuck out to me was her age. She is significantly younger than me, my siblings, and other cousins that we’d matched with. Based on her centimorgan count (see a chart HERE), the most likely relationship was a niece. Given her age, that made sense. I viewed her profile, and we were in luck. Someone in GV’s family must have had a huge interest in genealogy, because an expansive family tree that went back several generations had already been created. The family tree was set to public, so I was able to see the information for thousands of GV’s relatives – great grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, third cousins, etc. Some of the entries had identifiable information available (including first and last names) and others did not. Unfortunately, none of GV’s parents’ or grandparents’ information was available. I let out a sigh, but I didn’t allow myself to feel too discouraged. I was on the right track…I could feel it.

We had to find a way to fill in the blanks. If GV truly was our niece, that means that her mother or father would be our half sibling, and that sibling’s father (GV’s grandfather) should be the donor. I started with GV’s great grandparents (whose names were listed), and looked up the public records in order to complete the missing elements of the family tree. It was essentially a puzzle that was near completion, and we just needed to add in the final pieces.

After months of searching, the actual process to complete the relevant branches of the family tree only took a couple of hours. We were fairly confident that we had accurately filled in all the missing names that, on Ancestry, weren’t available on GV’s tree. The next step was to analyze each individual to see if we could glean any information online, and match that with what little we knew about our donor. Our online sleuthing continued, and then we got a hit. GV’s grandfather on her paternal side had a graduate degree from UC Berkeley, which he obtained in the 1980s.

The answer was right in front of us, but after being 99% sure previously that our donor was Richard, we didn’t want to get out hopes up again. We needed confirmation, and we wondered if GV could possibly be the one to provide that. We decided to have Tim reach out to see if she would be willing to connect to answer some questions. It was a strange feeling waiting for her reply, especially when compared to our experience with Richard. Back then, our emotions were running high – we were excited. Now, we felt drained, and were 100% in “fact checking” mode. We were dotting our i’s, crossing our t’s. GV got back to us rather quickly, and her response was very telling:

Hi Tim, thanks for reaching out. What details do you have so far? I have some, but I want to make sure that you’re ready for any information I might provide.

The three of us had to laugh. After all we’d gone through in the past several months, YES, we were ready. Tim replied:

Hi GV, thanks so much for your quick reply. I’m not sure there’s much you could surprise me with at this point. I was conceived using an anonymous sperm donor. I found this out when I was 13. Since then I’ve matched with a number of half siblings. My sister, Jaclyn (who was conceived using the same sperm donor) and I have been working on deciphering other parts of your tree and think we have it mostly figured out. We just aren’t sure how we connect yet. We’re hoping that you can provide some insight. I *think* we’re ready with anything you throw at us.

Tim

It was clear that GV knew something. Had we finally gotten it right this time?

 

Confirmation – at last.

GV’s reply was so quick and to the point that it caught us off guard.

Hi Tim!

Wow, I didn’t realize that my grandfather donated so often and that there were so many people created because of it. I was hesitant to contact any of my matches, because I didn’t want to shake up anyone’s lives if they didn’t know how they were conceived.

My grandfather told my dad and aunt that he had donated sperm once they were old enough to understand. He donated a lot while he was in college, my understanding was that it was to help pay for school. I haven’t really talked to my grandfather in a couple years, so I don’t have his personal views on knowing any of the information. I did talk to my dad though, and he’s pretty sure that his dad doesn’t want to know. He’s also not super keen on contacting any of his half-siblings.

Let me know if you have any questions. Nice to you e-meet you half-uncle,

Georgia

So there it was, in black and white: our confirmation! We found our donor. GV was really Georgia, and her father was our half brother – the natural child of our donor, Georgia’s grandfather. For the purpose of this blog, we’ll call the donor Douglas.  While it provided a huge sense of relief and closure, it also felt overwhelming. I finally knew who he was, and yet I had no idea what to do about it. “Now what?” I kept asking myself, over and over again.

Plugging Douglas’s name into google brought up a professional profile with one photo. It was surreal to see his face. “There he is,” I remember thinking. I wanted to feel more, but I didn’t. I was also confused, because I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel – he was a stranger. Out of all of my siblings, Douglas looks the most like my brother Tim. I liked his eyes – they seemed warm. He had a nice smile. I expected to see more of a physical resemblance between us, since my brother Loren and I look very similar, but I didn’t see much of myself in him.

We always knew that there was a good chance that he was still in the California, but it was still a trip to learn that he probably wasn’t living far from my brothers as they grew up. I couldn’t help but think that there was a possibility that Douglas could have passed Tim or Loren on the street, having no idea that they were his biological children.

We could see online that Douglas is a well educated man with over 100 published papers in his field, a profession that definitely requires a brilliant mind. He is still working, seems passionate about his career, and appears to be in good health.

We could also see through Ancestry that he has two grown children, and possibly married at the time he donated sperm. I was extremely surprised to learn that his children are quite a bit older than I am. That means that he was donating sperm after his natural children were born – when they were school age, in fact. This is not common in the donor world. Most donors are young, unmarried guys that make money off donating their sperm to make ends meet in college. I guess I always assumed that it would be harder to donate sperm, fully knowing that it would be used to create biological children that he would have no relationship with, especially after experiencing the parent/child bond with his own kids. I’m not judging – I don’t know his reasons, or how complicated or uncomplicated they were. But I can imagine it would make it harder for his own children to make sense of the situation.

To be honest, writing what I’ve learned about Douglas so far has been difficult and emotional. The speculating, wondering, investigating, and trying to make sense of what I do know compared to what I don’t know is draining. Unfortunately, I do not have more information to share about him, because what I’ve already written is all that I know. Writing this last passage has me in tears, because the reality is hitting me that I know so little about the man who makes up half of me that I can barely fill up a few paragraphs.

 

Connecting with Georgia

After Georgia’s email, confirming that Douglas was our donor, we got a quick follow up. Apparently she spoke with her dad (our half brother), and he didn’t sound pleased that we had tracked them down.

I just double checked with my dad, and under no circumstances does my grandfather, your donor, want to know or be in contact with any of you. I would like to ask that you please respect his wishes and not contact him in any way. While he did donate, I don’t think he ever really had a sense of the long term outcomes associated with it.

While we were disappointed to say the least, we had known all along that this would be a strong possibility. But I felt rejected. My existence doesn’t matter to him. It took a while to move on from the hurt and anger I felt after reading that. The good news was that Georgia was curious about us, and interested in pursuing a relationship. In her eyes, she told us, she was gaining new aunts and uncles. We were happy that someone in Douglas’s natural family was open to connecting with us.

Georgia told us what she could about Douglas, but she was up front with us that she didn’t have a lot of information. Apparently her relationship with Douglas ended in the 8th grade. Hearing that made my heart hurt, both for her, and for me and my siblings. While I don’t know all the details, this information about Douglas was not positive.

Georgia has been incredibly kind and understanding of our position as children conceived via donor. She has felt an enormous desire to help us find answers, but also didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news. She said that she wished she could answer all of our eager questions, but she can’t, because Douglas has chosen not to be in her life. This has been hard for me to deal with, because I know what it’s like to have a family member seemingly walk away. Georgia has tried to be neutral and avoid going into too much detail about why their relationship ended. I can understand that she is in a difficult position, but the truth is that if he does not have a relationship with his grandchild, I cannot help but think that I don’t stand a chance of him wanting to meet me someday. I also realize that I am only hearing one side of the story, and I will likely never know his reasons for cutting off contact. I try to stay neutral in my thoughts. Sometimes it’s easy, but often it is not.

Although finding Douglas has come with a number of disappointments, Georgia has not been one of them. She has been open, understanding, curious, compassionate, and just downright awesome. We are planning to meet in person soon, and I am excited to give her a huge hug. It means the world that she wants to form a relationship with us, and reminds me that family is what you make of it.

 

How it feels to finally know

I want to start by saying that I am incredibly grateful to know who my donor is. Even though knowing who he is has brought about its own challenges, I finally have some answers. Throughout this whole experience, I’ve learned to take the good with the bad. My siblings and I are very lucky to have found enough pieces to complete the puzzle – for the most part, anyway. I have great compassion for all those out there who are still searching for their own answers and may never find the closure they are seeking. To anyone who is reading this and can relate – I feel for you, and I hope that you find what you’re looking for.

Now that I know who he is, I am left with many new emotions to sort through. The first thing I felt was disappointment. Truthfully, that disappointment has very little to do with Douglas. Now that I have a name and a face connected to the man who makes up half my DNA, it just reminds me that my dad isn’t that person. It’s like pouring salt on a wound that will never heal. I am also faced with the reality that the two people who biologically made me, Douglas and my mother, have nothing to do with me. As a person who loves hard and tries to have an open mind and an open heart, somehow that feels unfair. It hurts. 90% of the time, I focus on the unconditional love that surrounds me and how lucky I am for my family and friends, but sometimes that fact gets the best of me.

After the initial emotions of sadness and disappointment, I started feeling curious. My siblings and I have a lot of similar characteristics – how many of those come from our genetic connection? Do Douglas and I have anything in common? I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to meet him. Do we share similar passions of helping others, food, travel, and theater? Does he love James Taylor as much as I do? What is his vibe? Is he open and approachable, or does he keep to himself and only let a few people in? Is he extroverted or introverted? Does he smile a lot and feel joy as easily as I do?

I think my curiosity about him is heightened because my birth mother is absent in my life. I can’t help but wonder if I am more like him, or more like her. Maybe I’m not like either of them. Maybe the nurture side rules my personality. But then I think about how similar I am to my siblings, and it makes me circle back and start wondering again. For a lot of people, they can look at their parents and easily say, “I’m analytical, like my dad,” or “I’m spontaneous, like my mom.” I know what I have carried on from being raised by my dad, but I do wonder what traits I have from my donor.

To be clear, I don’t long for a relationship with Douglas. Not knowing him doesn’t make me feel as though he is missing from my life. In my ideal scenario, I would meet him for coffee and some light conversation. I would like to just be in his presence and see what it feels like. I’d like the chance to ask him about his life, his likes and dislikes, and to see if we have any similarities at all.

At the end of the day, it’s not just about Douglas. There is a huge family that I am biologically related to that I may never know. I recently matched with one of Douglas’s sisters on Ancestry, who is my biological aunt. Do we have things in common? Does she look like me? Is she curious about who I am? Georgia shared with me that the family’s history in America dates back to the Revolutionary war. Is that not my family history, too, just because I was conceived via donor? It’s confusing, because I don’t know what I am allowed to claim as mine. Douglas isn’t my father, but we share the same ancestors. Is it only the natural family that can claim a connection to our lineage, or does that belong to the donor conceived children as well?

These unending thoughts make me realize that I will never stop questioning what role my genes have played in who I am, and on the other hand, how my life experiences have molded me. Being donor conceived carries with it a lot of baggage, and sometimes I feel like I’ll never be able to unpack it all. But each new piece of information and each new connection teaches me something different about myself and my life. My story is in no way finished, and I suspect that there will be more surprises down the road. In some ways, finding our donor has provided us with answers; in other ways, it has just opened the door to more questions. Whether or not I’ll ever find out all the answers remains to be seen – but I am here, and ready for that cup of coffee should Douglas ever reach out.

 

My brothers and I recently had the exciting opportunity to share our experience on the Dr. Oz show. To see Tim, Loren and I discuss our crazy journey, tune in on Friday, May 11th. (Check your local listings HERE to see when Dr. Oz airs where you live. Be sure to customize your listing with your zip code in the link provided. )

Photo Credit: Sony Pictures Television

 

This blog was written in collaboration with Annika Campos. Thank you to every single one of you who has followed my story – it means the world to me!