Having a small private practice requires talking on the phone. So does maintaining relationships. It is a part of life. But it is practically impossible with children. I’ve said some not so nice things to my children when I was on the phone, and commonly can be found hiding in the garage, bathroom, or outside to complete or place a phone call.

I was such a snot to my older sister when she had her kids. She had them years before me. I distinctly remember snotty things I said to her when she was having kids back to back to back. I was not having children, even though I loved them and was there for their moments, I was not yet a mother so was not able to be there for her like she is for me now. I remember saying some horrible things to her.  I remember when we were on the phone years ago and she was talking to one of her kids and doing the dishes and I had the audacity to say “I really enjoy single tasking. I find it so gratifying to just talk to you on the phone and not do anything else at the same time.” I don’t remember her response but can you imagine? WHAT A TURD! I remember also throwing out the terms “I would never” a few times around her before I had kids… I am SO SORRY for those conversations, I just didn’t know. I blame it on my sheer stupidity and lack of knowledge on the matter of child rearing. Single tasking is a luxury to any mom of 1 or 5. It just doesn’t happen.

12 years ago my sister and my best friend had children at the same time. They were talking to their children while we were on the phone together. I couldn’t stand it. My two closest peers were annoying me like crazy and I am totally doing this same behavior now. It is completely unavoidable….It is a fact of life. Your children will find out how to light fires and break bones and climb out of bathtubs while you are making a 30 second phone call. Or they will at least really, really, really, really, really, have the most most most most important thing to tell you in their entire life!!

I speak the truth!

So, texting is my friend. Emails between the hours of 8-10pm are my friend. Phone calls should and try to happen during child media time or in the car on the way to or from work. Then country living can get in the way. Can someone please explain to me how we can put a man on the moon over 40 years ago but I still lose cell service on my 20 minute drive to work? Why are there dead zones? Do I need to report this to the cell providers? Don’t the satellite know that I only have 20 minutes to maintain my marriage, friendships, familyships, and return work calls without an interruption from a small person? I don’t need my overpriced provider to not provide service when I need it most!!!

If you are in the same room with your children (or future children) and want to make an important phone call, you’d better get an experienced babysitter. If not, you best prepare the call recipient that shizz could hit the fan at any minute and prepare them for the likely event that you will need to just drop the phone and cuddle your hurt child, or mute the call to spare them your harsh remarks at your child. You’ve been warned. This is real. Verbal communication using a telephone automatically becomes tricky once your child can talk. I abuse texting for this reason, and this reason alone. Remember this!!